7-1-2026
Today is the first day of Half Years, a Voidelian holiday inspired by New Years, but which is observed halfway through the calendar year. July 1 and 2 mark the days officially considered a part of this holiday, although a period of celebration and reflection starting on the Solstice may precede it. On the first day, you look back on how you have spent the first half of the year, and on the second day, you consider what you are going to do for the second half of it.

This year started out eventful; just six days into it, a discussion with another programmed system helped me confirm that my experiences had been programming, which meant that the story of my system as I thought I knew it had not been true. In particular, I had just become aware of a much more complicated innerworld and system than I thought I had had, but I hadn't fully thought it was programmed, because I used to be under the misconception that this can only occur as part of organized abuse and I was fairly confident I had not experienced organized abuse. This post talks more in depth about that experience, but in short, a programmed system who knew more about the topic than I did explained that my experiences could be and were programming even if they weren't organized abuse.

This was profoundly destabilizing and caused even more memory flooding than I had already been undergoing, but it helped me understand that the reason I had started experiencing memory flooding the year prior in the first place was not just because the beautiful goth guy from karaoke who led me on reminded me of an abuser from online whom I'd forgotten, he also reminded me of a character who had appeared in my programming scripts about which I had also forgotten. This section on our personal site talks more about the programming, but part of what I'm going to be spending the rest of this year doing is editing our site to talk more about our programming.

About a month after that, though - in early February - we started self-shipping with a character from one of our programming scripts. His name is Troy, and he's a fictionalized version of Trent Reznor. However, he's also his own character, especially when we write about him. While we blocked this out and didn't find this out until recovering hidden memories, we had actually created a character with the same name, appearance, and inspiration, around when we were 12, due to our celebrity crush on Trent Reznor. However, creating Troy as an OC had caused us to discover that he did not ORIGINATE as an OC, which led to one of the many times we discovered our programming before we were ready to and then forgot all about it and our system.

This page on our website talks more about Troy and our relationship with him, but the most important thing to know is that we consider Troy our actual partner and talk about him like he's real. The reason we started self-shipping with him was because it was hard to imagine Thomas Jerome Newton (from The Man Who Fell to Earth, who is our main F/O from published media) doing a lot of the things we do in town like going to the food pantry or riding the bus places (as Newton is wealthy in a way my system finds entirely unrelatable), but it was a lot easier to imagine Troy as a part of our everyday life.

We imagine Troy going most places with us, and he feels like an actual part of our life. Members of the system perceive him much more the way they would perceive an actual person we were in a relationship with (and that the entire system participates in the relationship) than if they saw him as just a fictional character (where the self-ship would therefore be more individual to different headmates instead of collective).

The very day I had officially decided to start self-shipping with Troy, I got jury summons for the first time in my life. I had mixed feelings about this, because I didn't really want to go, but I thought it could be an interesting experience and that I would probably be able to handle a civil case. However, I quickly found out it was a violent criminal case where my trauma history might be relevant, and at the time, I was undergoing traumatic memory flooding at basically any time of any day (which did occur during the jury selection process). This meant I would be a terrible juror, and I discovered that my auditory processing issues (which mean I cannot reliably understand what people are saying at any time) would potentially disqualify me from serving on the case.

I was not selected to serve on the jury pool for that trial, thanks to my disability and trauma history. This decision (which was made as soon as I said I would not be a good juror), and some of the things the lawpeople said during the jury selection process, gave me a unique perspective. One thing they repeatedly said is that jury duty is one of the most important acts of civic service - indeed, civic DUTY - that an American citizen can perform. However, they also said, when discussing accommodations for disabled jurors, as well as explaining the violent nature of the case, that they didn't want anybody to have to be in physical OR emotional pain, and that if serving on the case would cause you any kind of pain that cannot be accommodated, they absolutely didn't want you there.

Some people I talked to were disturbed by the swiftness with which the judge sent me home and thought I was being discriminated against for being disabled. During the jury process, they ask you several questions before properly interviewing you; one of these is whether or not you have a disability that would make it hard for you to serve on the jury and whether or not it could be accommodated. Many people they interviewed were disabled but were able to cite accommodations that would make it easier for them to serve, and they all got those accommodations. I, meanwhile, quickly said I had auditory processing issues that cannot be accommodated, and that "plus other reasons" meant I felt I should not serve on this case. The bailiff then wanted to speak with the judge - presumably about the letter I told her I had from my therapist excusing me from the case - and the judge instantly excused me.

The majority of the people I spoke to unironically thought the judge's treatment of me was ableist and discriminatory. Some of the only people who understood the truth were other people who are so disabled they are on government benefits or otherwise cannot work. What I told other people was that, if the judge telling me I shouldn't serve on the trial because I'm disabled is discriminatory, then the U.S. government saying I can't work and giving me SSI money is discriminatory. Which, of course it's not.

What this taught me was that, as a disabled person, my duty to myself outweighs my duty to my community, especially when I am very often the only member of my community that I can count on to take care of me. While I value others and have since tried to do more for them now that the memory flooding has stabilized somewhat, I am still my main priority in life, because I know that, if I don't take care of myself, no one else will.

It's a good thing I learned this lesson early on, because either soon before starting jury duty or soon after finishing it (I'm not sure anymore), I confirmed something else I had been suspecting for longer than that I had been programmed, and that was that I was intersex. I'm not entirely sure that it was any one thing that convinced me of this, but part of it involved me going back on testosterone HRT for what I thought was transmasculine transition, only to discover that, while a higher dose of testosterone than I had been on before WAS affecting my body more, one side seemed much more affected than the other.

This caused me to reflect on my strange history of childhood medical procedures, including at least one surgery that occurred around the age of six. I don't know what that surgery was for, and when I asked my adoptive family what it was for, they vehemently denied that "they would do surgery on a kindergartener" and refused to acknowledge that I very clearly remembered sitting in my kindergarten class stressing out about the surgery. This was something I tried to ask them about back in 2019, long before suspecting I was intersex at all, and the surgery itself wasn't a "hidden memory", but the specifics of it clearly were, or else they'd never been told to me in the first place.

This page on our personal site talks more about it, but as a result of discovering we have Partial Androgen Insensivity Syndrome - a condition that, among other things, means we have XY chromosomes and (in our case) were most likely born with ambiguous genitalia and testes while being raised as a girl - we identify as an androgynous cistrans man, while not taking the "cistrans" part too seriously because we see cis and trans as a false binary that we subscribe to even less than the binary of man and woman. The system, as a collective, prefers to be seen as intersex over anything else, or even just "gender variant", while still using "cistrans" as a label for the sake of signaling we identify with both transgender and cisgender male experiences, and also to weed out intersexists like the person we blocked on Fediverse for telling us that intersex people are transgender inherently, that there are no cisgender intersex people, and that "[we're] lying about being cis", a claim that would be debunked by even a surface level search of information about intersex.

It was around April that the intense memory flooding that had started around October of 2025 began to subside and we had a pretty clear picture of what our trauma was. In February, I had deleted a Discord server called Moonage Daydream that I may make a post about on this site, because I feel it has an interesting story. The main reason I deleted it was because Discord was going to implement that stupid ID thing and my server had a lot of NSFW in it. However, I chose to delete the server rather than remake it on another platform because I had become disillusioned with the userbase of the server and with running servers altogether.

I reflected a lot on where I went wrong with Moonage Daydream between when I deleted it and in April when I started what is now known as Social Rodent, a ring of retro web Discord servers. One of the problems with Moonage Daydream was that it was run in the spirit of total freedom of expression, which sounds like a good thing, but it led to some people venting excessively and spiraling publicly in my server. I also didn't expect mentally ill people to take as much responsibility for their mental health when I started that server as I do now.

However, since I did the necessary work to figure out where that server went wrong and where it went right, I figured I would start running Discord servers again. It started with Rat Piano, a general social server themed around Neil Banging Out The Tunes. It then quickly branched into more servers with various themes, like an alterhuman server, a self-ship/objectum server, and several plural servers. The link on "Social Rodent" in the above paragraph will take you to the Neocities website of the server ring, which has links to websites for each server. They are open to any adult who is fine with the policies and can give me a link to at least one account on social media that states their age or age range (this is part of the verification process, which does not involve ID).

One thing I did in some of these servers was include "subservers" - servers within the server in the form of extensive sections with slightly different rules - where the emphasis was on discussions of RAMCOA. RAMCOA is an acronym that is often used in relation to programmed systems. It stands for Ritual Abuse, Mind Control, and Organized Abuse and describes different types of abuse that are not necessarily the same but have experiences in common. My experience would be considered "mind control" and possibly "ritual abuse", although I prefer calling the former "mental conditioning" due to it sounding less sensationalized (while still acknowledging it as the same type of conditioning that programming is; not all conditioning is programming, but all programming is conditioning).

After running these servers for about two months, I got the idea to make a partner system search server, about which I initially made a post on my blog here when I first made it. I asked my queerplatonic partner system if they were okay with this, and initially they said they were, but two weeks into the existence of this server (so in June of this year), someone from the server told me he wanted to date me, and I wanted to date him, too. However, neither of us had romantic feelings for each other at this time, but we were expecting to develop romantic or romantic-adjacent feelings (we are both aro-spec) over the course of dating each other.

When I told my now ex queerplatonic partner system about this, I expected them to be happy, but they were "confused" about why I would want to date someone I was not immediately attracted to (despite dating of this variety being staggeringly common even in the allosexual alloromantic world) and got distant and seemingly upset when I tried to explain it to them in good faith. I will link this post describing how I broke up with them, as well as this post addressing a few other things about the situation, but suffice to say, it was a toxic relationship at best and this is the most recent thing in the outerworld to strongly affect me.

The reason I've phrased the last part of that sentence like that is because things have happened in the innerworld between the breakup and now. Not only did we rapidly split a sidesystem called Frozen Hours - the name is a reference to Withnail and I, a movie our ex liked because of us and where many fictives of the two main characters (who are in a toxic ambiguously gay friendship) exist within the sidesystem - a headmate called Vyvian, now known to Voidelian history as Synth due to another only partly related headmate using the name "Vyvian" now, split into a polyfragmented subsystem that quickly expanded into an entire new structure in our system outside of three superclusters whose existence we discovered last year.

This new structure is called Beethoven's Firmament, because the group of headmates who are considered part of it are using "Beethoven" as a collective name, and it takes the form of the atmosphere - and anything outside it - of the planet our system inhabits in the innerworld. It is also known as Outer Voidelia, and the other parts of the system - West, East, and Central Voidelia - are considered Inner Voidelia.

As soon as I could tell this structure was forming - which contained not just a sidesystem that had formerly been Synth but sidesystems of old versions of the other two cores - and that it was taking the form of the atmosphere above the planet, I called the event the Stratification, and because I am one of the lead historians of my innerworld history, it stuck.

I will make a post about the Stratification soon, but for now, we have pages on our personal site about the structures of Synth Nebula and Outer Voidelia that exist within our system now.

This event was part of what convinced me to finally post about my programming on my site, because not only do I feel that our ex took advantage of our programming without realizing it (by taking advantage of our intense loyalty as well as by acting eerily similar to how our programmer was programming us to let him act towards us), I feel that the Stratification is part of our scripted innerworld.

Programmed systems normally have complex innerworlds with a complicated internal story, and it's usually because programming involves the use of stories called "scripts" that are used to implant the commands and get the victims to split certain alters. When we told our friends and partners we were programmed, they basically told us that, because of the complex and narrative-based innerworld we'd discovered just a month prior to that point, they weren't surprised to hear we were programmed.

As you can see, we've learned a lot about ourself as a person and as a system, and that culminated in learning the way our ex was treating us was not acceptable and thus leaving them over it. It also resulted in us gaining the confidence to publicly say we are programmed, not just in Discord servers but on our Neocities sites.

Tomorrow, I will post more about my plans for the rest of the year, but they include finally getting top surgery, as well as posting more about my programming on my personal sites. Someday, I would like to make a Neocities site that serves as a resource about programming, and I am working on other similar types of resources as well. It's a work in progress, but it's progressing.